


Fool's Errand

by Fairfaxleasee



Series: Fenris/Cassia [11]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Cats, Comedy, Deception, Gen, Mild Blood, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29646870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairfaxleasee/pseuds/Fairfaxleasee
Summary: Meredith's order that Cullen do a favor for Cassia Hawke turns out to be a lot more complicated than he initially expected it would be.  Especially since Cassia Hawke has no idea she asked for a favor.
Relationships: Fenris & Cullen Rutherford, Fenris/Female Hawke
Series: Fenris/Cassia [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141970
Kudos: 3





	Fool's Errand

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to @xqueen0fhellx and @blondetexan for betaing

_ What am I even doing here _ ?

Cullen Rutherford had been asking himself practically the same question since he’d left Meredith’s office with the details of his assignment. The mages had been getting more and more out of hand lately, but rather than dealing with any of that, he was being sent out as a personal favor at the request of one of the Hightown nobles.

Although, now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure whether Cassia Hawke  _ was _ actually a noble. She was the Champion and had more money than she knew what to do with (he  _ still _ had no idea what a single person could do with as many umbrellas and coats as the woman seemed to buy), but that didn’t necessarily make her a noble. Unfortunately, what it  _ did _ make her was someone whose favor Meredith was very interested in currying.

Which was, of course,  _ exactly _ what Cullen was doing on her doorstep. Hawke had apparently sent word to the Gallows that she needed a Templar to come and look at an artefact she’d come across to check whether it was magically altered in any way. That struck Cullen as odd - in his experience, Hawke didn’t send for people, people sent for her, and usually got stabbed or poisoned for their trouble. It  _ also _ struck Cullen as odd that Hawke would have brought something into her estate she thought might be dangerous. Bringing something into  _ Kirkwall _ she thought might be dangerous (that Dalish apostate associate of hers for starters) was completely in-character, but she was usually extremely cautious if she thought something might backfire or be able to be traced back to her. But the woman was a lightning rod for trouble - even  _ in _ Kirkwall, and she had a particular knack for making sure everyone around her would take the brunt of whatever happened while she slipped away completely unscathed.

But Meredith had told him to come and investigate, and if the woman  _ were _ up to something or in over her head somehow, hopefully the Templars would be able to leverage what Cullen would do to make her more amenable to their goals.

_ If she doesn’t get mad and decide to peel off all my skin or something first… _

Still, while the rumors about exactly what Cassia Hawke did to people who meddled in her plans or annoyed her were disturbing at best, on the whole given the choice between Knight-Commander Meredith being angry with him and Cassia Hawke being angry with him, Cullen would take his chances with Cassia Hawke. She, at least, didn’t know where he slept.

At least he didn’t  _ think _ Cassia Hawke knew where he slept.

He knocked at the door - he could only stall so long.

It opened a crack and a gruff voice said, “Good. You’re here. Hurry up before she looks out the window and sees you.”

“I - what?” Cullen raised an eyebrow. “I think there might be some confusion, I’m here because the Champion sent for a Templar to investigate a possible magical artefact.”

A pause. “Yes, well, that’s not  _ exactly _ -”

Cullen reached into the crack between the door and the jamb and pushed it open far enough to get a look at who he was speaking to. It was the lanky elf with the lyrium tattoos. And if the glances he was throwing over his shoulder were any indication, he was nervous about Cullen being there. “Do you mean to tell me -” he glared at the elf, “that the Champion  _ didn’t _ send for me?”

“I - no, not  _ exactly _ , but -”

A new voice cut him off, “Fenris! Just what do you think you’re doing!”

A skinny female elf was trying to push Fenris out of the way and see who was at the door.

Fenris turned to snap at her, “This doesn’t concern you, Orana! I have it under control!”

Orana wasn’t impressed with Fenris’ tone or glower, “It most certainly does concern me! You know how Mistress Hawke feels about guests!”

“Yes, I am well aware how Cass feels about guests, but this isn’t a guest! I asked for the Templars -”

Cullen cut him off, “ _ You _ asked for the Templars? Why are  _ you _ asking for the Templars to come to Cassia Hawke’s estate? Actually, why are you  _ at _ Cassia Hawke’s estate?”

Orana didn’t give him a chance to answer, “I don’t care if he  _ is  _ a Templar! You have no right to go behind Mistress’ back like that! You  _ know _ she doesn’t like anyone coming to the estate! You’ve upset her enough -”

“I am  _ not _ discussing that with you, Orana; that’s between me and Cass!”

“You weren’t here! You didn’t see-”

“I  _ did _ see! I never stopped -”

Cullen stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled to cut the elves’ argument off. He had no idea what they were talking about; he didn’t  _ want _ to have any idea what they were talking about. His current problem was what to do about what he was sent for, given that the person Meredith wanted to owe her a favor apparently had no idea Cullen had come all the way out here to do it. “Listen, I don’t  _ care _ what the Champion thinks about guests or who saw what and why and where. I want you to answer my questions!” The elves were still glaring at each other but at least they weren’t squabbling anymore. Cullen decided to proceed, “Now, like I was saying, why are you here?” He pointed to indicate Fenris, now that he had the context he recognized Orana as the servant Hawke had taken in several years previously.

“I… am… invited.”

Cullen didn’t like how evasive the elf was being, but he  _ also _ didn’t particularly like the idea of nosing about in Cassia Hawke’s personal business. That struck him as something that could make a person very dead, very painfully. “Is that true?” he looked to Orana for corroboration.

“I don’t know  _ why _ Mistress let you back in here!” she was speaking to Fenris, not Cullen.

“That is no concern of yours!”

Cullen wasn’t interested in listening to that argument again, and not just because he was afraid of what knowing much might mean for his chances of ever getting back to the Gallows in one piece, “I DON’T CARE! Fine. I’m willing to  _ assume _ you’re at least allowed to be here. Now let’s go back to my first question - why send for the Templars.”

“That  _ thing _ isn’t normal.” Fenris was glaring back into the estate as he responded.

“That doesn’t matter! You know Mistress loves it!  _ And _ she’d be upset if someone tried to take it away!” Orana, it seemed, had no interest in speaking to Cullen at all and continued to address Fenris.

“It could  _ still _ hurt her.” Fenris glared at the other elf.

“So could you, and you don’t see me calling someone to drag  _ you _ away!”

“ _ I _ wasn’t given to her by that abomination in Darktown!”

Cullen pressed a hand to his face. Now that he’d heard Anders was involved, he had no choice but to actually go inside and investigate. The fact that the mage was a Warden offered him some protection, but depending on what this thing he’d given Hawke was, Meredith just might  _ finally _ have enough to bring him in. The elves were back to their squabble and completely ignoring Cullen. He shouted over them, “ENOUGH! I’m coming in - take me to it.”

“No! You can’t! Mistress didn’t say -”

Cullen crossed his arms and glared at Orana. He felt just a bit guilty at the fear that flashed across her face, but he wasn’t taking any chances if Hawke  _ and _ Anders were up to something. “I don’t need your Mistress’ permission. This is a credible threat of an uncontrolled magical artefact and as a representative of the Templar order I have  _ every right _ to investigate with or without the permission of the possible owner.”

Orana huffed a breath through her nose, “Fine. But she’s not going to like this  _ at all _ and I’m telling her I tried to stop you.” She turned to address Fenris, “And don’t expect me to help you deal with it either!”

Orana turned and walked out of Cullen’s sight. Fenris called after her, “I wasn’t expecting you to!” then opened the door wide enough for Cullen to enter.

Now that they wouldn’t be interrupted, he decided to try and get a bit more information about just what was going on out of Fenris. Cullen may have been able to scare off an elven servant, but he was fairly certain a glower and firm tone wouldn’t be remotely successful in cowing Hawke - if anything they were more likely to provoke her to strike. “So, where exactly  _ is _ Hawke right now anyway?”

Fenris closed the door and inclined his head for Cullen to follow him down a hallway, “She’s giving the mabari a bath. Clumsy dog hates water so she should be busy most of the afternoon, unless Orana decides to bring her down.”

Cullen had to admit that the elf’s plan to keep Hawke from interrupting was a good one. Growing up on a farm in Ferelden he had a good idea of just what a massive undertaking it was to bathe an uncooperative mabari. “And when exactly did Anders give it to her?”

“A few weeks ago. The thing’s been a menace since it got here. I told you, it’s not normal.”

“Well, if it’s from Anders, that’s not surprising. What exactly does it do that’s not normal?”

Fenris shook his head, “It’s easier to show you. Accursed thing isn’t subtle.” They stopped at a closed door. Fenris put his hand on the knob, “Once I open the door, get inside quickly - Cass locked it in here before she went to give Squall his bath, but if it gets out, there’ll be no getting it back in until she comes down.”

Cullen raised his eyebrow again. Whatever this thing was, it was sounding more dangerous by the minute. Unfortunately, it still didn’t sound quite as dangerous as Cassia Hawke  _ or _ Meredith if he had to go back to the Gallows for reinforcements. 

Fenris turned the knob and looked at Cullen. He nodded at the elf to indicate he was ready to rush into the room.

Once inside, Cullen looked around. He couldn’t  _ see _ anything amiss - there was some statue he couldn’t identify but judging by the teeth marks in the wood, that was because of a bored mabari, not magical corruption.

Fenris was turning his head frantically, “Accursed thing! Where did it go!”

Cullen reached for his sword, “This thing can  _ hide _ ?”

Fenris snapped his gaze to Cullen, “Of course it can hide! It wouldn’t be  _ near _ as dangerous if it stayed in the open!” The elf started looking under furniture from several feet away.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think it’s time you explained-”

“Ah-HA!  _ There _ you are, you noxious pest!” Fenris stood up and looked at Cullen, “Here. Help me move the couch. I think things will be clear once you see it.”

Cullen was skeptical, but he  _ was _ in his armor. He took hold of the other end of the couch and he and Fenris moved it away from the wall. Fenris threw out an arm and indicated the area of wall they had just exposed. “Just what  _ exactly _ is it I’m supposed to be seeing?” The only thing Cullen could see was a rather large cluster of dust. That was moving slightly… and growling. He pushed the couch back further. At the noise, the thing turned to growl and hiss at him rather than Fenris. “It’s… a cat.” He looked up to glare at the elf, “Did you  _ seriously _ drag me all the way from the Gallows over a  _ housecat _ ?”

“Touch it, then, if you’re so sure it’s a housecat.”

Cullen kept his glare on Fenris as he walked over to the small tabby. Its growling got louder as he approached, but  _ why _ the elf was so nervous about - “MAKER’S BREATH!” Cullen pulled his arm back and leapt away to what he hoped was a safe distance. He pulled off his gauntlet to see the cut he’d felt the creature make. “It just cut me  _ through _ my armor!”

“It’s good at that,” Fenris replied in a deadpan.

“What in the world  _ is _ that thing?”

“That’s what I called you here to find out, Templar.  _ Venhedis!  _ Where did it go!”

Cullen looked down and saw the cat, or whatever it was, had disappeared. “So… any ideas for how to find it?”

Fenris backed away from the furniture and retreated to the middle of the room, “In my experience, it finds you by springing out from the place you just thought was safe.”

“Lovely,” Cullen walked towards the middle of the room. He heard a telltale growling from under the chair he was passing. He pressed a finger to his lips and indicated the blanket folded over the ottoman to Fenris. If they could throw something over the thing, Cullen just  _ might _ be able to get a close enough look to figure out what it was without it killing them.

Fenris looked where Cullen was indicating then frowned and shook his head.

“ _ Take the blighted blanket! _ ” Cullen hissed.

Fenris shook his head again.

“We need  _ something _ to throw over whatever this thing is!” Cullen flinched as a claw sank into his foot through some seam in his armor.

_ Maker’s breath, what IS this thing? _

Fenris kept scowling at the blanket for a few seconds before he sighed and pulled off his shirt. Cullen had no idea why the elf preferred using his shirt to try and wrangle the thing under the chair than the blanket, but it wasn’t his shirt  _ or _ exposed torso. Fenris crept towards the chair. Cullen took hold of the arms and mouthed his countdown. At ‘Now!’ Cullen yanked the chair off the ground and Fenris threw his shirt over the angry ball of teeth and claws masquerading as a cat.

“What are you  _ waiting for _ ? Pick the blighted thing up!” Cullen shouted.

“Me?  _ You’re _ the Templar. And in armor - you pick it up!”

“I can’t hold it and examine it at the same time!”

Fenris narrowed his eyes, but did bend to pick up their very irate target. Being caught in the shirt didn’t seem to be keeping it from getting hits in on Fenris as several trickles of blood began oozing from the elf.

“Well? Hurry up and examine it!” Fenris sounded almost as angry as whatever it was he was holding.

“I’m trying! It’s not making this easy, you know!”

“Oh, I’m  _ well aware _ of just how not easy this endeavor is!”

“This was  _ your _ idea!”

“You’re the one who came barging in! Something about how you didn’t need the owner’s permission?”

“Just - Shut up and keep the damn thing still!”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?”

Whatever the thing was, it was getting more and more agitated the longer things went on, but whether its objections were primarily about being held by Fenris or examined by Cullen wasn’t clear. Eventually it turned and sank its teeth into one of Fenris’ hands and the elf dropped it with a swear. It took a few parting shots at Cullen as it fell and once it landed,  _ still _ managing to hit him through the seams in his armor - he’d fought  _ rogues _ that didn’t have aim that good, and went scurrying off somewhere.

The elf was sucking at the wound in his hand and breathing heavily. He picked up his shirt and threw it back on despite it being shredded almost to tatters then turned to Cullen, “Well? Do you have any  _ idea _ what that thing is?”

“As far as I can tell, a very, very angry, very, very sharp house cat with very, VERY good aim. That doesn’t like either one of us.”

“So… not actually a demon then?”

“Not  _ physically _ , no. But for all practical intents and purposes, debatable.”

The elf narrowed his eyes and looked away. Cullen couldn’t tell whether he was pleased with the results of the examination or not. Cullen thought he may not know himself. “Let’s just try and have you out of here before Cass comes down.”

“Fine by me.” Cullen had been stabbed enough for one day.

Fenris took a step towards the door and stopped. Cullen was almost positive what was stopping the elf, but turned to look anyway.

The angry ball of pain was sitting directly in front of the door blocking their exit. And judging by the claws and teeth it was flashing them, had decided they hadn’t been sufficiently punished for disturbing it.

_ Like master, like pet… I suppose at LEAST this thing doesn’t have any poisons… _

He turned to Fenris, “It’s not going to move, is it?”

“In my experience with the thing, that’s unlikely.”

“So… what do we do?”

“Well, we can either wait until Cass is done bathing the dog and wonders why the door is closed, or we can call for Orana to get her to rescue us.”

Cullen didn’t like the idea that Cassia Hawke would need to be called in to rescue him from a cat, but that didn’t change the fact that he needed Cassia Hawke to be called in to rescue him from a cat.

They looked at each other and shouted, “ORANA!”

After a few seconds they heard footsteps outside. “I  _ told _ you I’m not helping you do this!”

“We’re done!” Fenris responded.

“Well? What are you calling me for? I’m not serving  _ either one of you _ tea.”

_ Like I’d drink anything from that woman’s kitchen or cups… _

“Yes,  _ you’re angry with me _ ! I understand! Now will you please go get Cass?” At least it sounded like Fenris wasn’t interested in squabbling with her now that they needed her for a rescue.

“Why?”

“Will you just do it?”

“No. Tell me why.”

Fenris ran a hand down his face in frustration. “ _ Because _ the evil thing is blocking the door!”

A pause. “Oh. So you’re stuck in there until I decide to get Mistress and she decides to let you out?”

Cullen did not care for the elf’s tone. “Just go get Hawke!”

“Oh, I will. But she asked me to buy her some more soap, Squall chewed up the bar she was using. I’ll tell her you’re stuck in here when I bring it up to her once I’m back from the market. And I think I’ll pick up some other things too while I’m out. She said there wasn’t a rush, she hadn’t even managed to get Squall in the tub when she asked.”

The footsteps retreated. As the cat didn’t seem to be getting any less angry or more intent on moving, there was nothing for them to do but wait for the woman who was angry to tell the woman who was going to be angry they needed to be rescued.

From a  _ blighted _ housecat!

Cullen wasn’t sure how long they waited for footsteps to approach the door again. The door swung open to reveal a mistress outside the room almost as angry as her cat inside the room. The cat turned towards the movement and chirupped at her and rubbed against her legs. She bent down to pick it up and cooed, “Poor baby. Those big meanies were picking on you, weren’t they?” The cat rubbed its face against hers.

Cullen turned to Fenris, “ _ We _ were picking on  _ it _ ?”

Fenris shrugged and tried to approach Hawke. The cat turned on him once he was within striking distance. Hawke turned herself slightly away to block its shot. “ _ Really _ , Fenris? You called the  _ Templars _ ?”

Fenris glanced back towards Cullen and inclined his head to a corner. Hawke dropped the cat in the hallway and it went scurrying off somewhere, likely to hide in wait for its next victim, then followed Fenris to a corner where they began to discuss things in hushed whispers.

Cullen could overhear a few snippets of their conversation.

“...do  _ not _ trust that mage, Cass. ...remember what he tried to do when you refused to keep helping him?”

“...don’t like having strangers here.”

“I  _ know _ , but… get the thing to the Gallows?”

“...suppose you have a point, but  _ still _ … didn’t even  _ ask _ me and you  _ know _ how I feel about you keeping secrets  _ and _ guests!”

“...sorry. ...thought worrying about it would upset you more…”

“... _ still _ don’t like it, Fenris!”

“...never  _ want _ to do it again, but you could have gotten seriously hurt-”

“I don’t  _ care _ ; it doesn’t matter!”

“I care and it  _ does _ matter!”

As the conversation went on, both Hawke and Fenris paid less and less attention to Cullen and more to each other. Cullen was positive the reason they’d started whispering in the first place was because he wasn’t supposed to be hearing any of what they were saying, and he was almost positive that if either of them ever got it in their heads that he’d heard too much, the maybe-not-literally-but- _ definitely _ -figuratively demonic cat would be the least of his worries. He cleared his throat and they both turned towards him. Based on the glare he was getting from Fenris and the appalled surprise on Hawke’s face (which was slightly surprising to him, he hadn’t thought the woman would be  _ capable _ of being surprised by anything, let alone  _ show _ it), he’d been right that they’d forgotten he was there. Fenris grabbed her shoulders and shifted her behind him to obstruct Cullen’s view. It was almost like the elf thought  _ she _ needed to be protected from  _ him _ . Cullen decided that reacting to their unexpected behaviour was more likely to get him in trouble than out of it, so proceeded as though nothing unusual had happened (despite the fact that the cat was quickly becoming one of the least strange things he’d seen in the house), “Listen, I’m not prepared to speculate on exactly what that thing  _ is _ beyond sharp and easily provoked, but can say it’s not somehow magical.”

“Well then, Captain. It sounds as though your business here is concluded, wouldn’t you agree?” Hawke’s expression was finally familiar to Cullen. It was the one that said ‘I can kill you 17 different ways without even touching you.’

Cullen knew the question was rhetorical, but didn’t think voicing his enthusiastic assent to leaving would bet him into any more trouble than he already was and  _ might _ just get him out of some, “Completely, Champion,” he turned his head slightly to address Fenris, “Good luck with the cat.”

Fenris growled at him in a way that was eerily reminiscent of the cat, but Cullen had probably tempted fate far too many times that day already. He turned to leave the estate.

On his way back to the Gallows he tried to decide whether he hoped Meredith would be too angry that rather than Hawke owing him a favor, he owed her one to be angry that he’d just lost a fight with a housecat, or hoped Meredith would be too angry that he’d just lost a fight with a housecat to be angry that he owed Hawke and not the other way around.


End file.
